So I went to my local neighborhood Panera (since every neighborhood has one now) wanting a bagel with cream cheese. Anyone who knows me knows I don't diet, and there was no pretense of eating healthy going on here. I know I am ordering a carbohydrate disk with fat smeared on top. I know this. I take comfort in knowing it is not a sausage and egg biscuit from McDonald's, nor is it a serving of hash browns scattered smothered and covered from Waffle House. But still, it is not diet food and I am not trying to fool myself into thinking it is.
The guy at the counter is named Gabriel and it is immediately obvious that English is his second language. This endears me to him immediately because it is hard be from somewhere else. We joked. I chose a blueberry bagel sliced and toasted with raspberry cream cheese. A winning combination. The first bagel flew through the slicer and landed somewhere under the cash register. The second got stuck and needed prodding with the end of a broom handle (sanitized I'm sure). My order was to go so I took my little bag to my sweltering car, cranked on the air and opened my bag.
That's when the horrible truth came to light.
Poor Gabriel had been duped into playing the pawn in this country's erroneous battle of the bulge. He unwittingly slipped me low-fat raspberry cream cheese. The calorie count alone will take this little tub of chemically altered and artificially flavored crap out of contention for diet food status...and really why? That is it. Why? It is cream cheese. If I am going to eat it I want all the fat dammit. I am not on a low fat diet and I never will be. WHY am I forced to eat low-fat stuff prescribed for me by some high-minded executive at a mediocre bagel joint. Where does their board of directors get off thinking they know what is best for me?
I realize that they are not so much concerned for my waistline. It is a capitalist decision to make Panera's wallet fatter at the expense of my taste bud because America is hysterically decrying fat as the culprit for its huge butt and are grateful to lap up engineered low fat goop to make themselves feel better.
But I would like an option.
But...what if there was an option and Gabriel took one look at this un-skinny American and made the dicision for me rather than ask since the language would make it difficult. What if he is not a pawn after all.
Regardless, it is a conspiracy.
And I want my fat back.